rated R for terror

I have a movie reel inside my head and it is on a continous loop but only at bedtime and not every night. Thank goodness.

I hate the dark, always have and if I wake up in the night, which is rare I don't open my eyes I walk around with them shut so as to avoid the darkness. You might think the obvious thing to do would be to use a night light but I can't it's a migraine thing and I don't mind going to sleep in pitch black, actually I like it.

BUT I have a vivid imagination and I am always imagining people in my house and not like Santa and fairies. Sometimes I dream about them but more often than not it is at bedtime that I become convinced I hear things. URGH. The rational adult in me knows that it is absolute crap but the not so rational adult in me has a heart attack or two. It doesn't matter if there is an alarm on or not because last nights episode followed a gorgeous day of having the windows open. The weather has been stunning and I have had the house opened up. I closed everything up before it got dark, did a project and finally went to bed just after midnight.

Guess what? In my head someone had slipped into the house unseenwhen the windows and sliders were open and now they were lurking iside the house somewhere waiting for me to got to sleep.  See utterely irrational as I would have noticed. You can imagine the scene in my head and how ridiculous it was but my rational brain has apparently already gone to sleep as it refuses to take over. If the kiddies are at their fathers house, which is usually when it happens I lock my door and sleep armed with a bat.  Weapons are not for me.

The strange part of this never ending horror movie is that I have never seen a horror movie in my life, why would I want to be terrified on purpose? I swear Stephen King would pay good money for some of these scenarios.

Does anyone else do this?

disguised

When my mum died, her husband, the man I referred to as, the shitting lunatic to whom she was married and I ended all contact. Actually I ended all contact as I could see absolutley no reason whatsoever to have anything to do with him ever again. He wasn't a bad person particularly but he wasn't an outstanding person either and he definitely wasn't a person I wanted in my life, thank you very much. Buh- bye.

My seester recently spent a lot of time caring for this man in the last few months of his life and frankly she deserves a medal for it. A really really big medal. When I went home I was able to visit my mothers former home for the first time in many many years, even though due to neglect it needs a lot of TLC. We are finally, FINALLY, able to go through our mothers things although I shouldn't say we as it is falling onto my seesters shoulders to do this. She is deciding what stays and what goes. She is deciding who gets what. She is allowing her hubby to delve through boxes of old photos. Yesterday he sent this to me in a text. Brothers in law should not be allowed to do this. I think my seester is telling me: you are getting off scott free, you are not doing any physical work at all. You did not care for the shitting lunatic. this is your bill.

Ohdearlord.
my first reaction was. BURN IT.

Then I laughed.

It explains a lot this photo.

When I go to a new hairdresser I will take with me. Eveyone thinks my hair is dyed. I have every colour possible in it. The sun keeps it very blond but I have some red. Well this is where the red comes from. My Grandmas nickname was Ginger. It didn't stay this colour long.

I sent it in a text to Lily.

she sent back 3 words.          OH MY GOD.

I sent back 2.                           HOW RUDE

She sent back 1                       Sorry

even the eyelashes and eyebrows are ginger. 

The ginger was a short lived era and it turned a browny colour only to go blond again. I don't have many photos of me from when I was little, at least i didn't. Maybe my mum had them all and now that will change. I begged and begged to have short hair. We were in a ballet school and had to have hair long enough to sit on and as soon as we were allowed to stop ballet I wanted my hair cut OFF. I hated having my hair brushed every single morning, the tangles were awful and so painful. This was the best!

situations = solutions

Recently I went online to pay some bills and was smacked in the face by a harsh reality. I needed to do something fast. I immediately went online and applied for the RN program at the local college. I spoke with an admssions person who informed me that all the courses I took a kazillion years ago would transfer over, where applicable and I would be well on my way.

Of course this isn't going to be a fast solution but long term it will be an outstanding solution and nursing is something I wish I had done a long time ago. (actualy I would have loved to have been a surgeon but can you imagine the med school bills now? LOL). I  spoke to an advisor to see what exactly my next steps would be and basically my dream was shot down. I decided to give it one more shot and went and spoke to another advisor and I am now signed up for classes 5 days a week. So with a job, 2 kidlets and school don't expect much on this blog, oh that's right I barely blog now so you won't notice.

I am really giddy about this change, the kids are onboard 100% and we can't wait to sit down and all do homeowrk together. those are Rosies words.

The biggest change for them is with swimming. It wasn't their choice to give it up and I feel absolutely rotten about it but with the added expense of school and having to do it alone I have to cut out some extras. I also cannot be in 2 places at once and the professors probably won't want to teach from the pool deck. We have already discussed other options and I am hopeful something will prevail as they need to be busy.

I couldn't do this change at all if it wasn't for an extremely supportive family and Sista. I cannot imagine how people get through life without a family on their side. Thank you to every single one of you that has my back. I promise to get this done as quickly as humanly possible.

So there you have it, the scoop. Now I need to post from the cruise and the restof summer.

i'm owning it and me

I am frequently saddened by the entitlement generation, the me me me's, the, I want it all and I want it now, the, I shouldn't have to work for it I should just get it.
Urghh, how revolting are these people?

That being said, this year is all about me, Me discovering me, Me liking me, that one is tough, and Me owning me, all of me.

No one is going to drag me down, belittle me or take away the me of me.

I have gained so much in the last few months, I gave up smoking nearly three years ago but transferred the addiction to Nicotine gum and chewed that for 3 years. Non. freaking. stop. I chain chewed in the words of my seester. I knew i had to stop so I switched to the patch, Hah, who was I fooling? But I have uber sensitive skin and the patch removed it from my body. Big sores appeared where my skin used to be. 3 days of that and I was done. BUT....

But I have an addictive personality so I transferred my addiction to plain old gum. So many pieces a day. Rosie has a gumball machine and I emptied it, twice. WAH. ENOUGH.

I had to take back my life, I had to gain freedom from this shit. I worked too hard with Dr. Su to watch it all go poof. I needed to quit the diet soda to. I took a deep breath and just did it.

Now the hardest part of all is watching my weight increase. I have to say that it is nice to have a shape and not go straight up and down. It is nice to have boobs, yes, I really did say that. But the extraneous pounds hovering around my waist are making me queasy. But they are mine and dammit I have to learn to own them. I don't have to listen to criticism anymore and that is freeing enough.

Since I have taken ownership of every other aspect of my life now it is time to embrace and love me. I'm going out for a run but this excitable personality of mine needs to realise that it is just a little trot and not my next addiction. sigh. I will not turn into an exercise freak again, I've done it before. 600+ sit ups a day.

I am aware at this point in my life of how my brain is wired. This last chapter was filled with criticism which resulted in me taking it all so personally.


As much as I have gained so much freedom from all the things that held me hostage I'm still a little shaky. I don't want to gain weight, it's an obsession with me but I have let go of so many others hang ups I need to learn to like the new me. At least accept it until I can change it.

Wish me luck

my sneakers are at the front door and we are outta here.