lifes most significant moment

When I close my eyes I can transport my mind back 15 years, with perfect clarity.

Every last detail is as alive and raw as it was, 15 years ago today. The nerves, jitters, guarded excitement, and the love. The love has grown exponentially.

I didn't sleep much the night before, partly because of the time difference but mainly because I was a hot mess of what if's. I got up and went downstairs for coffee, who the hell could eat with a day ahead as gargantuan as mine?  Many of the families were still arriving and our room turned into operation baby day and was a hub of activity.  Families we had been in touch with through conference calls from our agency and through emails. Some we had got to know quite well and others we knew nothing about but here we were all gathering in a hotel room in Wuhan China  and all with one thing on our mind, 2 o'clock and being downstairs and waiting for the bus.

And just like that it happened, it was time.  I have never been so nervous and excited at the same time, there really does need to be one word for this emotion.  As the bus drew closer the the Civil Affairs Office you could have heard a pin drop. 12 families that were so lively just an hour before were all feeling the magnitude of the moment

 The bus stopped and we walked towards a building. A modern high rise, which seemed like a weird place to me, so very un-Chinese. We couldn't all fit in one lift so we took two and as soon as we stepped out 2 things struck me, the oppressive heat and the sound of babies.  I must have chanted in my head, please let her be here, please let her be here, over and over. I had been trying to prepare for the moment when the Chinese officials called my name and said, no baby for you, we changed our minds. That room was hot. Wuhan is known as one of the 4 furnaces of China and it wasn't about to disappoint. We had had daily temperatures well over the hundreds, one day it was 111 degrees and the top was 116. No A/C and a bag of nerves made things HOT.

No time to focus on that, the room was suddenly bustling and our guide told us the babies were being brought in. I wanted to puke I was absolutely terrified I would leave with empty arms. 

An official started to talk and then Kathy, our guide, would translate to English. The lady didn't stop talking and I couldn't concentrate. I remember trying so hard to listen but I would hear 2 words and check out over and over. Please stop talking please just tell me, is there a baby for us, for me?

And then in they came, being carried by their Ayi's. I scanned the crowd for her face, some many little ones, so many nannies, where was she? And then I saw her face.

JacobDawnCope, one word. We were called to the front and handed Li Yu Ni. She was mine. My heart was complete in that one moment, she was mine forever. This child that was born in my heart and had taken so many years to appear in front of me was right there. She was handed to the unhusband and I wanted to grab her but I knew I would scare her even more. 

As my world pivoted to the right way up, hers went crashing to the ground. Handed to a complete stranger who looked so different, smelled so different and sounded so different she panicked and started to cry and the cry turned to sobs as she whipped her head from right to left to find out where her people had gone. But we were her people now and she had no idea what to do. I kissed my finger and ran it down her cheek, I wanted to smother her in kisses but knew it would just upset her more. She was in my arms and I could feel her tiny heart beating out of her chest in fear, I could smell her for the first time and feel her. It was without a doubt the best moment of my entire life up to that point. Time stood still and baby after baby was handed over but I knew nothing. I wanted to run up to the roof and scream, I have a daughter, I am a MUMMY, do you hear me? 

And just like that we were going back down in the lift and back to the bus. 

I was a parent to one hot sticky little girl who was terrified and crying but still the most amazing perfect child in the world. She fell asleep on the bus and didn't wake up until long after she was in the hotel room. She looked around, appeared to think, oh no, this isn't a dream it is really happening and burst into tears.   This time she was consolable and at the moment my girl started to emerge, show her personality and her likes and dislikes. 

I found a pay phone and called my father and said, Daddy, we have her and she is absolutely beautiful and he said, of course she is she is one of us.  ( just writing that makes me cry)

I walked on air, nervously but on air for hours. 

Lily Yu Ni Cope, I love you more that you will ever know, I admire you, the person you have become. You are tenacious and vocal, those traits never changed. You are fiercely loyal to those you love and an incredibly open minded caring individual. You know what you want and how to get it, you have no time for small minded and petty. Discrimination of any kind sends you spinning. You are so amazingly bright and so absolutely gorgeous. You push my buttons like no one else and you make me laugh until my cheeks hurt. You are the most uncoordinated kid I know and every time you say, but I'm getting so much better we both laugh. Your role as big sister is one that you cherish and take great pride in. You show compassion as if its a fashion trend, don't ever stop. The adjectives attached to you are endless but the description of you I like the most is, you are my daughter. 

I love you kid, thank you for allowing me to be your mum.

To all the other families of the White Rose Club, happy family/gotcha/love Day.  It is an honour to share this day with you and an even bigger honour to have you in our lives. The bond is truly like no other.

And so, in no particular order I share with you my heart.

Guangzhou China, her last day of being an only child

a random shot from Buttefly World.

Family has always been very important to Lily and she adores my brother and his  late partner.

Grandpa. No words needed

Snow...oh the squeals. Boston

Grand Cayman.

Fort Myers

The lighthouse at Bill Baggs

7th grade

Tuanfeng SWI. ( her orphanage ) It's rare to get photos, I am so lucky

Her empty eyes sadden me also at the SWI

her crib.

England this summer

her 13th birthday

grand Cayman

8th grade prom

Harvard Square 2 years ago

Matheson hammock

One of my all time favourite shots. We had been home for 3 months and were starting to venture out. Nicolas is  the son of one of my closest friends. These 2 were quite a pair.