lifes most significant moment

When I close my eyes I can transport my mind back 15 years, with perfect clarity.

Every last detail is as alive and raw as it was, 15 years ago today. The nerves, jitters, guarded excitement, and the love. The love has grown exponentially.

I didn't sleep much the night before, partly because of the time difference but mainly because I was a hot mess of what if's. I got up and went downstairs for coffee, who the hell could eat with a day ahead as gargantuan as mine?  Many of the families were still arriving and our room turned into operation baby day and was a hub of activity.  Families we had been in touch with through conference calls from our agency and through emails. Some we had got to know quite well and others we knew nothing about but here we were all gathering in a hotel room in Wuhan China  and all with one thing on our mind, 2 o'clock and being downstairs and waiting for the bus.

And just like that it happened, it was time.  I have never been so nervous and excited at the same time, there really does need to be one word for this emotion.  As the bus drew closer the the Civil Affairs Office you could have heard a pin drop. 12 families that were so lively just an hour before were all feeling the magnitude of the moment

 The bus stopped and we walked towards a building. A modern high rise, which seemed like a weird place to me, so very un-Chinese. We couldn't all fit in one lift so we took two and as soon as we stepped out 2 things struck me, the oppressive heat and the sound of babies.  I must have chanted in my head, please let her be here, please let her be here, over and over. I had been trying to prepare for the moment when the Chinese officials called my name and said, no baby for you, we changed our minds. That room was hot. Wuhan is known as one of the 4 furnaces of China and it wasn't about to disappoint. We had had daily temperatures well over the hundreds, one day it was 111 degrees and the top was 116. No A/C and a bag of nerves made things HOT.

No time to focus on that, the room was suddenly bustling and our guide told us the babies were being brought in. I wanted to puke I was absolutely terrified I would leave with empty arms. 

An official started to talk and then Kathy, our guide, would translate to English. The lady didn't stop talking and I couldn't concentrate. I remember trying so hard to listen but I would hear 2 words and check out over and over. Please stop talking please just tell me, is there a baby for us, for me?

And then in they came, being carried by their Ayi's. I scanned the crowd for her face, some many little ones, so many nannies, where was she? And then I saw her face.

JacobDawnCope, one word. We were called to the front and handed Li Yu Ni. She was mine. My heart was complete in that one moment, she was mine forever. This child that was born in my heart and had taken so many years to appear in front of me was right there. She was handed to the unhusband and I wanted to grab her but I knew I would scare her even more. 

As my world pivoted to the right way up, hers went crashing to the ground. Handed to a complete stranger who looked so different, smelled so different and sounded so different she panicked and started to cry and the cry turned to sobs as she whipped her head from right to left to find out where her people had gone. But we were her people now and she had no idea what to do. I kissed my finger and ran it down her cheek, I wanted to smother her in kisses but knew it would just upset her more. She was in my arms and I could feel her tiny heart beating out of her chest in fear, I could smell her for the first time and feel her. It was without a doubt the best moment of my entire life up to that point. Time stood still and baby after baby was handed over but I knew nothing. I wanted to run up to the roof and scream, I have a daughter, I am a MUMMY, do you hear me? 

And just like that we were going back down in the lift and back to the bus. 

I was a parent to one hot sticky little girl who was terrified and crying but still the most amazing perfect child in the world. She fell asleep on the bus and didn't wake up until long after she was in the hotel room. She looked around, appeared to think, oh no, this isn't a dream it is really happening and burst into tears.   This time she was consolable and at the moment my girl started to emerge, show her personality and her likes and dislikes. 

I found a pay phone and called my father and said, Daddy, we have her and she is absolutely beautiful and he said, of course she is she is one of us.  ( just writing that makes me cry)

I walked on air, nervously but on air for hours. 

Lily Yu Ni Cope, I love you more that you will ever know, I admire you, the person you have become. You are tenacious and vocal, those traits never changed. You are fiercely loyal to those you love and an incredibly open minded caring individual. You know what you want and how to get it, you have no time for small minded and petty. Discrimination of any kind sends you spinning. You are so amazingly bright and so absolutely gorgeous. You push my buttons like no one else and you make me laugh until my cheeks hurt. You are the most uncoordinated kid I know and every time you say, but I'm getting so much better we both laugh. Your role as big sister is one that you cherish and take great pride in. You show compassion as if its a fashion trend, don't ever stop. The adjectives attached to you are endless but the description of you I like the most is, you are my daughter. 

I love you kid, thank you for allowing me to be your mum.

To all the other families of the White Rose Club, happy family/gotcha/love Day.  It is an honour to share this day with you and an even bigger honour to have you in our lives. The bond is truly like no other.

And so, in no particular order I share with you my heart.

Guangzhou China, her last day of being an only child

a random shot from Buttefly World.

Family has always been very important to Lily and she adores my brother and his  late partner.

Grandpa. No words needed

Snow...oh the squeals. Boston

Grand Cayman.

Fort Myers

The lighthouse at Bill Baggs

7th grade

Tuanfeng SWI. ( her orphanage ) It's rare to get photos, I am so lucky

Her empty eyes sadden me also at the SWI

her crib.

England this summer

her 13th birthday

grand Cayman

8th grade prom

Harvard Square 2 years ago

Matheson hammock

One of my all time favourite shots. We had been home for 3 months and were starting to venture out. Nicolas is  the son of one of my closest friends. These 2 were quite a pair. 

the best adventures are accidents

Last Monday a client asked me if we ever go up to Hollywood Broadwalk. I realised I haven't been there for a billion years and after we talked about it I decided to take the girls this summer. Well it's summer so we went on Saturday. We left later than we should have for such a trek as we attended a piano concert so I told the girls we would have dinner and maybe rent a bike.

Well we did just that and had ice cream and walked about. It was so lovely and I just cannot wait to go again but next time I am putting our bikes on the rack and taking them. At first we parked in a car park at the very end of the boardwalk and even though I asked if there was something closer and more centralised I was told no. After walking for a good distance and barely touching the tip of the iceberg we marched back to the car, glared at the attendant and left in search of something better. We found it and it was perfect. I wasn't about to let the first incident mar the evening.

The girls became a lot more excited once they saw all the people and the fun. Rosie immediately wanted to rent a bike but being an evil mother I told her she had to eat first.  We found a lovely little restaurant, the Boardwalk Grill and had dinner with a truly fantastic view.

She is bubbling over with happiness

demure. ( the man behind us was with an extremely drunk woman, she was so trashy but entertaining) 

our view from the table. Yes, really

I had barely paid the bill when Ro shot up from the table and headed for the door. She was not leaving without a bike ride! We double checked the time on the parking metre, (not sure who invented, pay by phone, but I love them) and decided a 30 minute bike ride would suffice and would leave us time to do other things.

Rosie was so ridiculously happy, we all were but she took the cake

This is going to be entertaining

and we are off.

such a lovely view

glad renting this was not an option 

hello Mr. Bird

We rode through the crowds and Lily and I peddled and I let Ro steer. There were so many people in places but we avoided running anyone one over. Lily was the only one wearing a watch so she was in charge of time and you all know how responsible she is. I thought we had been riding for about 10 mins and I asked for a time check from the responsible one and she says, "Ohhhhh no, we are already 4 minutes late! I was sure she had made a mistake, how could we have been riding for over half an hour already? Then it hit me, they are kids and have a never ending supply of energy, I have been running up to 4 miles a day so I am now in shape. It seemed like nothing at all. We turned that bad boy around and raced at full speed back to the rental place all while laughing like fools and Rosie non stop ringing our ringy dingy bell. Flipping hilarious. We got back and the man says, hmmm, and then hmmm again and says why don't you just pay for an hour and we will call it even. Best deal of the night!

Ice cream was next on the agenda.

It takes so little to make her smile so big

good stuff.

We walked around after the ice cream. We had to take a time out to eat them as they just melted everywhere and instantly.

A handball court. They whacked the ball against the wall with their hands. incredible.

I couldn't extend the life of the parking metre as it had a 2.5 hour limit so we headed back to the car. Since we were parked on the very top floor the views were quite impressive.

Driving home we saw the most beautiful sunsets but I was driving so photos were not an option, sadly.

A new favourite place and we can't wait to go back.

love

Lily's journey into this family was just like Lily, it was simple and determined with no unnecessary business. Her first few days were hard, she opened her layers slowly but with determination. Once she had established that there was trust, she was vested, fully. There were of course little reminders of her lowly beginnings, her life without parents to dote and adore her. Sometimes we would see glimpses of what is was like for her. She would pack so much food into her mouth in one sitting and "cheek" it so there would be some for later or perhaps just so that she could get enough. She wouldn't cry, at all, ever. She could bump herself so hard that it would bruise her instantly but there was never a tear, ever. This, broke my heart and I vowed immediately to teach her to cry and let her know it was OK to cry. That was hard.

But through it all this girl had trust and she was happy. She was also very secure in herself and her place in her family, unfalteringly so.

Then came Rosie. My sweet, insecure, uncertain little Pickle. Life just fell apart for her on February 20th 2008, the whole lot just crumbled in on her and rocked her to her core. She wasn't about to give in to this new routine. No, she was stoic and kept us all at a distance. Eventually she will learn to trust fully but until then I try to never ever break her trust, even a teeny tiny bit. Sure she has come so far but it is there, below the surface, with symptoms not seen in most children.

Rosie loves with a fervor. Once she realised I was here to stay she allowed her wall to come down and loved with her whole crooked little heart. I am the focus of her love and quite honestly it can get a little overbearing. She needs me, all the time, every minute of everyday. She needs to know I am here and that I love her, so so so so so (you get the picture) much. She does things all the time to please me, she helps me all the time. I don't believe she does it because she wants to, I believe she does it so I will, in her mind, appreciate and love her for her help. She feels she has to be helpful and pleasing to be loved.

I wish there was a magic pill that will make the past go away and let her see I couldn't love her more than I do, it just isn't possible. When she comes home, from wherever she has been, she needs to touch me and she takes a huge breath in through her nose, as if she is breathing me in. she also has to get to me first, before her sister does although I often swerve around her and get to Lily first just so Rosie can see I will still hug her and kiss her but she needs to wait, and that  it won't change a thing. Sometimes she even says, "now everything is right in my world". It's heavy stuff.

Most people who come into contact with her see her as a  normal happy child and truly she is but deep within her somewhere is this fear and it manifests itself in the strangest little actions. Actions that people see as love and her helping me but me, I know it runs deeper than that. She thinks she needs approval to be in my heart and it stops me in my tracks to think about why. She still believes in the recesses of her brain, that i can go, just like the others.

These children of ours remind us that even though we see ourselves as, just another family and indeed that is just what we are, we are built with baggage and issues and 7 years might seem like an eternity but in the big picture, it's merely a moment.

I vow each day not to break her trust but sometimes I test it so that I can add another layer of security to her. We have come so far, so very very far. Now I can leave her at swimming, did you read that, I LEAVE HER AT SWIMMING. I have to be back before she gets out of the pool but now I can walk and or run. One day she was so cold she got out long before I got back and she lived, I pointed this out to her and she was quite surprised when she realised it. But she wanted me to make sure I didn't go far the next day, just in case. The next day I told her I would be back before her lesson was over.

Her big sister is gentle with her when no one is around. She protects her fiercely and won't allow anyone to hurt her. Rosie needed to be the youngest, she doesn't have what it takes to be the older sib' but she will because as slowly as the layers are peeling back, they are peeling back and that is what counts.

I don't think there is a number high enough to calculate how many times a day I hear: I love you Mama and it is always followed by a little sigh. She is complex, yet she is easy if you know what you are dealing with. She has suffered and the suffering left a scar on her heart that I am trying to erase. She is needy, so very very needy and I am the target of that need. She is exhausting, not physically but mentally. Thankfully I researched all of this and was ready.

Her love for me is ferocious and of this fact I am proud and thankful. It is an honor to be loved by a child like Rosie, a privilege and an honor.

She is mine.

My love for my daughters and their love for me is undeniable. Adoption makes a family whole it also sometimes needs a lttle extra love.